1. 3
    Jul

    I turned around and all I could see was his face. Sweet, smiling in the moonlight. Fresh raindrops hit the concrete, the smell of wet grass hot in the air surrounding us. For a moment there was no one else; not another being on this planet except just us two. It felt familiar, like déjà vu, and the memory suddenly came flooding back. It was in a dream that had recurred over and over. When my mind became restless (so many nights) I dreamt hard and deep and those dreams often stuck in my bones, becoming part of my physical shape. Sometimes these dreams of mine felt like they were happening in real life, just like now. Most often they seemed small and rather insignificant. This one was leaving a mark. It was a remarkable feeling, like going down one path for such a large part of my life, then pivoting, shifting abruptly.

    The alley was quiet and dark. The lights shining from the corners of the building provided little light where we were standing, but out of the corner of my eye I could see the rain shimmering as each drop passed the rays streaming down. I could feel my hair sticking to the side of my face and neck, my hands shaking, hanging at my sides. His face was blurry to my eyes, but I had never really needed to see him, I could always feel what he was thinking just by the way he breathed. I had known every inch of him, and he, every inch of me. So many nights we had slept close. Every now and then when I was alone in bed I could still feel his arm enclose around me.

     Tonight, I could feel my heart slam against my chest, and even over the sound of the rain I could hear his shallow breathing. That meant he was nervous; not only could I hear it in his breath, but also I saw it in his clenched fists. Maybe for once he was out of words.

    Only one way to find out.

    He stepped closer, I couldn’t move. He came closer still, and still my mind wouldn’t tell my legs to move. I looked at him; tried to see his eyes and then further beyond that. I suppose I wanted to read his heart mind before I felt safe enough to take just one step. Soon he was only a short distance away. My stomach turned, my lungs labored, my toes tried to grip at the ground below just to stay upright.

    He was less than a foot away. The humidity did nothing to stifle the heat radiating off his body. I felt every pulse his heart made. His hand reached out slowly in front of him. I stared at it, my mind full of words, but my mouth empty. His fingers touched my cheek, sending a shock down through my heels. Memories ran through my head, circling around my brain.

    “I’m sorry.” – these words so simple, falling from his lips. They didn’t make sense to me, didn’t mean a thing. I had heard those same words, with that same voice attached, so many times before. I wanted to take them away from him, so he could never use them against me again. I would bury them in some far away place, maybe on a remote island somewhere, just so they would never find their way back into his vocabulary.

    I shook my head slowly. I moved my hand up to touch the fingers still resting on my cheek. My fingers curved around them, pulling them to my lips – then waiting. Just on those few fingertips I could smell the raw of his skin. I should say something.

    “No. You’re not.” My voice swayed. He noticed. He always noticed.

    “I know I’ve done this before. This time I’m really sorry. I love you. You know how much I love you. My heart screams it every second of every day. Even when you don’t see me, you can still feel it.”

    Thank God for the rain. The tears that came mixed unnoticed with the drops sliding, dripping off of my chin.

    “I know you loved me once. I’m not sure if you do anymore.” This time my voice was harsh.

    My fingers still held his at my lips. He pushed them just forward just slightly. His bare finger on the sensitive flesh of my lower lip was intoxicating. His eyes, dark in the nighttime, fixed on my mouth. At that moment, I prayed.

                Please don’t kiss me. Don’t make me any more weak than I already am.             Just leave. Turn around and leave.

    The moment the prayer was finished, his mouth was descending on mine. His hands placed gently on either side of my face.  My mind was blank. Wave after wave of thoughtless images danced in my head. In my heart, I felt one with him. There had been no separation, no one leaving the other ever before. It had always been just the two of us.

    I’m not going to kid myself now though. My mind snapped back to the moment. I pushed him away; he looked stunned.

    “I can’t do this anymore.”

    My mouth started spewing out words I wasn’t sure I really meant.

    “It doesn’t matter how many times you kiss me now. I know I’ll never forget the way they feel. There is no need to remind me. But each time you leave me, my heart cracks a little, and pretty soon it will shatter. I will be the one cleaning up the pieces, baby, not you. So stop. Stop trying to convince me that I’m the only thing that matters to you. You know I don’t fit you anymore, and so do I.”

    My feet turned me right around I knew I couldn’t look back at him because I would change my mind for sure. The end of the alley seemed so far away. There was no safe place except there though, so I had to keep walking. As soon as I was out of his sight I might be able to breathe again.

    I turned the corner and let a breath out. I had left him behind in all that darkness. It was time to leave what was in the past far behind me. I was ready for something new.

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